Monday, October 19, 2015

Honesty When I'm At My Worst

This is a difficult post for me to write and will be harder to publish.

Over the last few weeks, I have written several posts that I haven't published. I haven't felt worthy or like I could possibly be a good example. I so desire to exude Godly womanhood and the truth is, in the last few weeks....I have been struggling.

I am struggling and failing daily. My house is a mess, my son is often wild and my marriage is teetering. I am a ball of emotions. In tears one moment and feeling hopeless then being angry because I'm not doing a better job.

I am four weeks post partum and that has just added to my struggles. I had a difficult delivery that has left my body in pain and unable to do what I need it to.

I have been bitter, angry, resentful, and generally unhappy lately. I have spent every day in prayer desperately trying to regain footing and heavily leaning on friends for prayer.

Normally, I wouldn't open up about this, especially in such a public arena, but it seems important to do so.

I had post partum depression with my first two children and while it doesn't appear to be a problem this time, I am still dealing with mild depression at a time when I think I should be the happiest.

Learning to deal with this conflict has been humbling. My relationship with God is strengthening in ways I never expected. As a perfectionist though with impeccably high standards for myself, I want to develop a deep relationship with Him while still being able to do what I feel I should.

It's not about me or my time though.

God is teaching me. Showing me how to accept and slow down. How to find the joy in the sorrow.

Even now as I write this with tears in my eyes, I know it's the right thing to do. To be truly honest with you opens doors for all of us. You now know me better. I am a real person with real problems.

Ladies, I hope our group and this blog can be a place of love, encouragement and understanding. I hope during times like this, we can lift each other up. I hope that if you are struggling, you feel able to reach out.

Love and Blessings,


1 comment:

  1. What an overwhelming situation! Prayers to you and your family, Audrey!